The Hard Times

There are times in life when we expect our families to be there for us. I think that in some cases it goes beyond an expectation and becomes more of an innate assumption that during certain events in our life we will experience them with our loved ones. Of course life does not always go as planned and sometimes we do  not get to spend these meaningful moments with the people that we just need to be there with us. We have to make personal adjustments to get through those hard times, even though they may be uncomfortable and sometimes heart breaking. To me, these are the moments that can help shape us into the people we are. The way that we bring ourselves to cope with missing loved ones can often bring out some of our worst weaknesses, but it can also show us how strong we are and how much we can go through.
In one week I will graduate from Adams State College with my bachelor's degree in Psychology with a minor in American Sign Language. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to graduate college. It always seemed to me that since early in my academic career my family thought that I could be the one to make it through college. Because of this I have just always known that a college degree is the least I could attain in my education to be satisfied. There were times that I did not think that I could do it, and there were times that I was certain that I would not. There were times when I felt others doubt me, and times when I knew others did not think or expect me to do it (even some people that were close to me that I would not have expected it from).  I have always defined myself as a student because I have a need to learn, but we all go through times of doubt and concern. And in these times there were very few people that always supported me. Among these individuals were my mom and my dad. Both of them have always had a resounding faith in me that I could become a college graduate, and I owe so much of where I am today to them and their support.
With that being said, how do I walk across that stage at graduation happy knowing that one of the few people who had always believed in me will not be there with me? How do I take that walk with a smile on my face knowing when I look into the crowd my dad will not be in the seats cheering me on? It has been almost two years since my dad died, and I still cannot imagine him not being there. They say that time heals these pains and you hear that it will get easier. How long do we have to wait to for time to heal us?  The closer I get to graduation the harder it is. Even as I type this I am at a loss for words. I have no idea what I will be thinking about when I receive my diploma. I wish I could make myself have the time of my life. To me, the hardest part has been the little things. Graduation is not just a ceremony, it is an entire process that one gets ready for and a culmination of years of hard work. Getting my chords to graduate, buying my cap and gown, finishing my exit exam, these are all little things that need to be done before graduation are exciting and you want to share just to say you have completed another step in getting closer. It is events like those that have made is so hard up to this point. I know that the ceremony will be the hardest part, but there is so much more that has made this such a difficult event.
This time will come and go and before I know it will be a distant memory. I wish I knew how I will remember it. I wish I knew if I am going to remember this as one of the happiest or saddest days of my life.